"The Tell"

A tell in poker is a subtle but detectable change in a player's behavior or demeanor that gives clues to that player's assessment of his hand.

In your business and personal life, here are some very useful "tells" to look for:

"I hope..."
Hope is an optimistic, nice feeling to have.  But, when someone tells you that they hope something will happen, they aren't just telling you they are optimistic!  They are also telling you that they feel the outcome is beyond their control.  
     "I hope the project completes on time."
     "I hope it won't rain."
     "I hope I didn't offend you."

The person is really not owning the issue or controlling it.  Success is beyond their control, and all they can do is hope.  Expect failure.

Imagine the difference in the level of personal responsibility, control, and commitment, if you were to turn the word "hope" into "I will" or "I plan":


Absolutes  (always/never)

When you take things to extremes, they are absurd.  As any good engineer will tell you, there's no such thing as 100%.  It's about "how many 9's".  The truth is somewhere between extremes.

We are entertained (but not informed) by fights between extremes (Left v. Right, PC v. Mac (v. Linux), Centralized v. Distributed, etc..)  Because we are entertained by this, we get served a ton of these extreme fights on TV, in politics, and too often in our personal and professional life.

So, when someone is speaking in terms of absolutes ("always/never"), they are speaking from a position of falsehood, arguing for or against a simple strawman.

So, the "tell" is:  If you hear someone speaking in absolutes, they are revealing that they are stuck in an emotional falsehood.

Steer the conversation back to reality,  by recognizing that what they think "always" happens, does happen sometimes, and maybe often, but certainly not "always".

The seemingly small difference between "often" and "always" is actually crucial.  Instead of arguing about the truth of an absolute position which is false anyway, you talk about the specifics that need fixing.  It can calm someone down and work on the issue.

For example, imagine how much easier and natural it is to get towards a peaceful, productive resolution if you start at:

"You don't thank me often enough!"
v.
"You NEVER thank me!" (absolutely bad)

Instead getting stuck arguing about invalid absolute facts, you spend time talking about how much "thanks" you want, in what situations, and what methods you appreciate.  These discussion points are exactly what you wanted in the first place!

To use this "tell" against my own post, it's not "always" true that absolutes are invalid.  It's just often true, and in those cases where absolutes are true, we really aren't arguing anyway.  ("The sun always rises in the east.")

I hope you always use these tips, and always find them valuable :)